My most popular post is “14 Things to Do When You Find Out You Are Pregnant.” It has almost 1 million pageviews since I wrote it a year ago, and I have gotten a lot of great feedback from it.
But one thing that has bothered me is that while I have gotten a lot of comments from people saying how helpful it was for them, I’ve also gotten a lot of people attacking the first thing I suggest.
“1. Don’t tell people until you are past the first trimester. I think family is okay to tell, but it can be smart not to tell the whole world until after the first trimester is over. I know it can be incredibly hard not to tell your friends as soon as you find out you are pregnant, but try not to post it to Facebook just yet. One of my biggest fears is having to go back and tell people that something has happened and you have had a miscarriage. The baby is most vulnerable during the first 12 weeks you are pregnant, and after the first trimester, the chance of a miscarriage drops dramatically (down to 10% of all known pregnancies). So just to be safe, try your hardest to wait until you are 13 weeks pregnant before you spread the glorious news.”
MY LATEST VIDEOSThat is all. And for some reason, people pounced on that. I actually had to include a note at the beginning of the post. It says “This is my opinion on what you should do when you find out you are pregnant. It is how I feel, and I feel strongly about it. I know others will either agree or disagree, and that is fine, but it doesn’t change my experiences or my thoughts. So please be courteous about what you comment about.”
Despite that little disclaimer, I still get people all the time making rude comments about how I am wrong. So I thought it was finally time I explained myself. I want to tell you why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester.
With both of my pregnancies, we have told our families that we were pregnant before the second trimester. We told our families we were pregnant the first time right after we had it confirmed by the doctor, and our families the second time when I was 8 weeks pregnant. But we didn’t announce either pregnancy to everyone else until I was in the second trimester.
I think it’s totally fine to tell your family and close friends. It’s super hard not to share your exciting news with someone! The thing I recommend avoiding is posting to Facebook or Instagram that you are pregnant before the second trimester.
Like I said in my post, the chance of having a miscarriage drops from up to 25% to 10% when you hit the second trimester. It’s still possible to have a miscarriage, but because the chances are lower, I think 13 weeks is a better time to announce your pregnancy to the world.
I am going to assume that most people have friends and followers on social media that they maybe met once or twice, but probably won’t ever see again. They probably are friends with people from high school that they haven’t spoken to since graduation. That’s a pretty common thing. The problem that I personally have with announcing your pregnancy before the second trimester is that if something does happen, you then have to go back and tell everyone that you lost the baby.
I would SO much rather just tell my family and close friends because that is where my support system lies. Not in my Facebook friends I never talk to, and not in my Instagram followers. My family and close friends are the ones I want by my side in the event of a miscarriage, and I don’t want random people telling me they are so sorry for me through an online message or comment.
I think it’s completely fine if you want to mourn the loss of your baby publicly. It’s not shameful to have a miscarriage, because they are very common. I am not trying to say that we need to hide miscarriages, but if it was me, I would hate to have to tell people over and over again that I lost the baby.
Yes, you can lose your baby at any time. You might be in that horrible 10% of women who lose their baby after the first trimester. And that sucks.
The decision of when to tell people you are pregnant is personal, and it is different for everyone. But this is my blog, and I am going to share my advice and my opinion on it, even if people disagree. Because I really do think that when you find out you are pregnant, it’s one of the first things you need to decide. And personally, I would wait until after the first trimester.
i completely agree with you about waiting until the second trimester to tell people. I was very self conscious during my first pregnancy and I did end up telling people as soon as I found out and I got a lot of people telling me that they could already “tell” that I was pregnant, when it clearly wasn’t visible. It made me feel as if I was heavier than I should be(especially with all those pregnancy hormones).
Really? That’s so mean! You’d think people would be more sensitive! Sometimes people just don’t know what to say to a pregnant woman!
Haha so rude! People are seriously dumb! I had the same thing happen to me when I had actually lost 5 pounds because of being so sick! I just stared at them like they were the stupid ones and told them yeah I LOST weight but good try! And laughed! They definitely felt stupid after
Yikes! That’s unfortunate! People should just shut their mouths!
Hello . I think your awesome. I don’t know who you are or necessarily agree with you but i am an expectant DAD for the first time (yay!) and have learned one thing. Do what YOU want to do, life decisions are relative and the only people that have to deal with your own decisions is YOU. SIMPLES! My wife is cautious and only told family, I have told my close friends. Either way you still have to deal with life. So whatever happens just be happy with your decision and don’t stress- life’s way too short!
You do have to deal with whatever decision you make. That’s why for me personally, I only want to tell family!
I can’t believe so many people give you rude comments about this! I totally agree with you. Although I never have miscarried, we have never told people (beyond family) before the second trimester. If people want to, then that’s great, but I’ve never felt comfortable with it for many of the reasons your stated! I know a few people who have miscarried and told people really early on, and they have told me that anytime people would ask about their pregnancy after their miscarriage, it made everything hurt so much again.
Right? I’ve had to delete a lot of mean comments and add a disclaimer at the top of the post asking people to be nice. One person commented and told me that it sounded like that was just my opinion. I was like duh, yes it is! This is my blog! Having to tell people again and again if you miscarry would be the worst! I can’t imagine going through that 🙁
Yes, but the beauty of social media is that you don’t have to tell people over and over. You can just tell them once on your facebook page or whatever it is. I respect your opinion. I used to feel the way you do…before I had 2 back to back miscarriages. Now, I say celebrate every second of that beautiful little life with as many people as you choose. 🙂
And that’s fine! It is different for everyone. Just for me personally, and what I recommend people think about, I’m going to wait 🙂
I’ve never felt comfortable telling anyone but family before the 12 week mark because of the chance of miscarriage! It would hurt so much to have to tell everyone you’ve ever met that you lost a baby in your 1st trimester. I can’t believe people have been rude about your own feelings on this subject, especially because your feelings are logically based! I completely agree with your reasoning!
Same! And thank you! Hopefully now that I’ve written this people will read it and stop being so mean!
You tell em girl! If they don’t like what you say then they can keep on scrolling! Everyone has their own opinion about EVERYTHING baby. Not everyone is going to agree with every.single.person in the world about parenting and pregnancy. Personally, my husband and I told our family and close friends right when we found out (and his family actually posted on social media before we could tell them no). We definitely would have waited to tell the rest of the world, but what can ya do. Thanks for sharing Chelsea!
Thanks, Samantha! You definitely have to be clear with family what you want them to say! People don’t think about it until it’s too late sometimes! But I’m glad everything worked out for you guys!!
I completely agree with you on this! When I have kids, I won’t be announcing my pregnancy until after the first trimester.
Thank you!!
I agree with waiting to tell until you are in the second trimester. I never had a problem telling family and friends (didn’t announce on FB) right away with my first 2 pregnancies. When i got pregnant a 3rd time we had only told family after i found out, but i had a miscarriage 1 week later. When i got pregnant the 4th time we waited to tell people because i was nervous i would have another miscarriage
It’s scary, and everyone is different, but until you know what you’re going to need, I think it’s smart to wait.
I completely agree with you. My first pregnancy I announced on Facebook before I was 12 weeks and I ended up miscarrying. So for months after that people would ask me about my pregnancy and I had to tell them I had lost the baby which was awkward for them and heartbreaking for me. I’ve had 3 pregnancies since then and definitely waited until after 12 weeks to make sure I’ve heard a heartbeat before I share the news. It’s just easier that way. I still tell family because I would want them to know I miscarried and mourn together, but I don’t need random people from college knowing about that difficult event in my life.
Thank you! And I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That’s exactly why I wait to announce it. I would hate having to tell people over and over again (especially people who aren’t really your friends) that you lost the baby.
I told a few family and friends when I found out and then I was in a car accident. It’s that much harder to tell those people what happened and have some of them support you while others just look at you with pity. It’s already hard but sometimes it just makes it that much harder especially with those hormones still freaking out and you never know how you’ll interpret and react to something. I was at 11 weeks.
I’m so sorry, that is awful. It’s never an easy thing to go through, but I would rather keep it a small thing if I did have to go through it one day. At least not until I’m ready to talk about it.
I completely agree… I lost my first two pregnancies in the first trimester and only my family, very close friends, and coworkers knew I was pregnant. (The coworkers knew was because I had horrific morning sickness and had to keep running to the bathroom constantly.) When I did miscarry, everyone was very sympathetic and I received a lot of support from people I was close to. We didn’t publicly announce my pregnancy with my daughter until I was 18 weeks and for this pregnancy, I think I was about 15 or 16 weeks along.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Telling people is such a personal decision, and everyone needs different levels of support. But it is something people often don’t think about before they announce! Thanks for sharing!
I couldn’t agree more with you because I actually had a miscarriage for my first pregnancy. I was only 5 weeks pregnant and nobody except my husband knew I was pregnant. It was so hard on me, on us. I thought I would never be able to have kids. I chose not to tell our friends and family. It was too hard. (But I did get to talk to people who went throuh this). But my husband’s parents were constantly asking him if I was pregnant and, under the pressure, he told them.
I finally got pregrant again after almost a year. We decided not to tell anyone until the second trimester for fear it would happen again. It didn’t. We told our families. Everyone was happy. But my husband’s parents, though they knew about the miscarriage, were awful : they reproached us for not telling them sooner. Merely no congratulations, just criticism. They just woudn’t understand.
We know have a healthy 3-year-old boy and if we ever have another child I would do the same thing even if it means criticism from certain people. Because it was the right thing to do for us.
It’s my body, our couple, our decison, nobody gets the right to judge us.
And nobody has the right to judge you for the decison you made.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. And I’m sorry your in-laws weren’t more supportive. It really is your decision, and you shouldn’t be judged for what you decide. Only you know what is the right thing to do.
I agree with you and here’s why… I told people I was pregnant the moment 2 pink lines appeared on the stick (with both pregnancies) and I wish I hadn’t. My husband and I tried for a very long time to get pregnant with both of our children (much, much longer the second time than the first) with many rounds of infertility medication. I was so excited when we finally got pregnant that I couldn’t contain myself, so I spilled the beans. I instantly regretted my decision to do so (both times…). Tell people so soon that we were expecting caused me to stress about the very thing you mention in your post… a miscarriage. Thank the universe that I did not miscarry, but I worried about it throughout my entire pregnancy. I wished everyday that I had kept these miracles to myself everyday and when people asked or made comments about my pregnancy. I wish that my husband and I had kept that intimate little secret to ourselves. I think that it would have created a memory for the both of us that we could have cherished forever. A secret that every time we looked at each other we knew we were the only two people on earth that knew about the growing person in my womb. We would have also had the opportunity to see the faces of those we loved as we shared with them this piece of information. Parents-to-be should do what they are comfortable with, but I hope they take a little time to talk with one another about it and savor the moment.
I completely agree that parents should take time to talk about it with each other. It’s something that you really should consider. I’m glad everything was okay and you never had a miscarriage, but it still is scary! Thank you for your input!
I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage and had to tell people that asked for MONTHS that I was no longer pregnant! I absolutely believe that our family should know! But now I’m like you and don’t announce anything to the public until I am about half way through! I’m sorry for how rude people can be!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine how painful that must’ve been every time someone asked. Thanks for the support!
I agree completely… I’m sorry people were so mean on your other blog post…
I know there is a big movement going around to stop hiding miscarriages and not letting women suffer alone in what is unfortunately such a common occurrence… But I don’t take your blog post to mean you wish more people would hide until it’s safe, or that you do either… But there’s a difference between sharing your pregnancy with those who matter most and shouting it to the world on Facebook or other social media networks…
We wait until at least 8 weeks to announce to our family because that’s what makes US comfortable… We wait until 16+ weeks to blast on Facebook… Luckily we haven’t ever had to take back our good news because although some may think that you can just post your misfortune once and be done, you’re never really done… There’s always that random girl from high school or your great-aunt (read old and not totally up on social media) that will have missed the original post and re-open your wound later on… And for what? In my opinion it’s totally pointless…
Glad you have and express your own opinion; there is no one right answer to anything 🙂
Thanks for the support, Laura!!
I agree with you that it is a very personal decision. It is unfortunate that people feel they have the right to disrespect others opinions in blatantly rude ways.
I do see the other side of the coin though. I recently had a miscarriage and it’s been very difficult to go through alone. No one knew that I was pregnant yet but in a way I wish that they did so that I could tell them why I wasn’t up to doing anything or why I needed some space from my friends who are pregnant for a little bit.
I think more of a cautious suggestion makes sense- each pregnancy is different as are the circumstances around them.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I think if it was me, I would tell my close friends what had happened so that I could have that support. But like you said, every pregnancy is different! Thanks for commenting!
Miscarriage is real. Just is depression, suicide, infertility and all other bad things that people don’t want to hear or talk about. The truth is, if we don’t talk about it and if people don’t know these things happen, the bad things win and more people suffer. They take over. Bad things happen in life and it’s full of dissapointment. I’d rather cherish the fact that I was able to get pregnant, tell everyone and celebrate. I’m happy to have a reason to celebrate. If someone I know can’t handle that I’ve had a miscarriage, they don’t belong in my life.
I know it’s real. I’ve experienced depression, suicide, and infertility in my life and the lives of those around me. I’m definitely not saying that we shouldn’t talk about them, and I’m definitely not saying that if someone can’t handle that I’ve had a miscarriage, they shouldn’t be in my life. What I am saying is that I wouldn’t want to be reminded of my miscarriage when I’m finally starting to heal by people that I barely know. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying.
Hi! I can’t agree with you more.
With my first pregnancy, I told the world..and that’s fine. With my second pregnancy, I did the same thing..and lost my baby before I even saw him/her at my 7 weeks checkup..
I knew miscarriages happen..I just didn’t think it’ll happen to me.
I remember going back to family and crying to my parents that I lost the baby..explaining to them like it was my fault..
The hardest was when coworkers that I barely knew, but heard the good news stop me and ask me how I’m doing.only to let them know I lost the baby.
When we got pregnant this time, I only told one person and my boss-I’m not going through that again!
I’m sorry you had to go through that. And your experience is exactly why I want to be cautious early on! Congratulations on your new pregnancy!
You are absolutely right. As someone who has suffered a miscarriage myself it can be very painful to have to explain yourself in front of people. My husband and I decided not to tell many people when we found out, eventually I had to tell some people from work since I started bleeding and I had to let my boss know and people kept asking why I missed work for 2 weeks. Also, although some people mean well in their comments, some of them come off as mean or insensitive (for example asking “What did you do wrong?” -like what happened to me when someone at work asked this, as if it could only mean that I screwed up. Or saying something such as “maybe your baby would have done something bad in life and this was God’s way to deal with it” – as I also was told by a “friend”) Obviously like you mentioned in your post, that is YOUR opinion, such as this is mine. Many women feel that they do want to tell and if something happens they don’t want to carry the burden by themselves and want to have a support system, that’s ok too, but to leave hateful or rude comments just because you don’t share their opinion is beyond ridiculous.
Thanks, Patty! And thanks for the support! I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not something anyone should have to go through. If someone wants to tell that’s great, but I think everyone should think about it before they go ahead and share the wonderful news.
I agree 100%
My fiancé and I were waiting eagerly and patiently to announce our pregnancy after the 12 week scan,
‘Just to make sure everything was alright.’
Turned out everything wasn’t alright. The baby had an omphalocele (the bowel, stomach etc had developed on the outside of the body.)
After alot of crying and thinking, we decided to terminate the pregnancy (another subject which always causes a shitstorm of opinions.)
I will never regret either decision, especially to not tell anyone but my closest family and friends, as they were the ones who supported us and our decision, as difficult and heartbreaking as it was to make.
I’m so sorry, that’s awful. Making a baby really is so hard. You should ever have to explain yourself to anyone. Stick by your decision. It was yours to make.
I just wanted to add my experience. I agree that everyone is entitled to their own choices but mine differs from you and here is why…
I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. We hadn’t told anyone except my parents and our siblings. At 12 weeks I had a scan and found that I had miscarried without knowing it. I then needed to go into hospital for a d and c operation. I had to phone work and explain that I was pregnant and not anymore and that I needed time off work to go into hospital. The whole explanation was heartbreaking and I truly wished I could have phoned and told them with a simple ‘I’ve lost the baby’. Next, I needed a great deal of support from my friends so I had to phone and explain the whole scenario. Living through it again via the explanation was awful.
Years on I have publicly supported miscarriage charities and openly talk about my own experience. I’m not ashamed and I don’t want to keep it a secret. I want to help others. Thankfully I went on to have a beautiful son and I told everyone so they could help me through the journey – and I really did need help for those scary 3 months.
I don’t think you should ever be ashamed about having a miscarriage, or try to keep it a secret. But I just think that in the moment, it would be harder for me to have to constantly be telling people that I lost the baby. Everyone is different and that is fine, but I think people should consider this before they break the news to everyone. Thank you for sharing your opinion.
Those are all absolutely understandable reasons for waiting to share the wonderful news! My husband and I chose to wait until the 2nd trimester with our first baby and planned to do the same when we got pregnant again. When that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage though, I really struggled with feelings of isolation – like I was the only person in the world grieving my baby because nobody else had known s/he existed until after it was too late. So when we got pregnant for the third time, we chose to share the news after having a healthy 6-week scan. But again, those were my feelings and my choice – not for everyone, that’s for sure!
Thank you for sharing! Yes, it’s not for everyone because everyone is different. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope things go well with your pregnancy!
Totally agree and I speak from experience. Before my husband and I decided to start trying I had already seen 3 friends (they were close so I knew all about it) that same year post the exciting news of their pregnancy at 7ish weeks only to post again in a few days/ weeks that they lost their baby. We decided that we would tell family and very close friends once it was confirmed, which at 8 weeks. 3 days later I started bleeding and my doctor confirmed my greatest fear, miscarriage. I’m so glad I hadn’t announced it to the Facebook world. Telling my family was difficult, but putting a Facebook post up “announcing” my miscarriage would have been terrible.
I definitely think everyone is different, but like you, I would hate to have to “announce” having a miscarriage. I’m sorry you had to go through that 🙁
With my first pregnancy, I told everyone the day after we found out, I was 4 weeks. 2 weeks later, I miscarried and had to post on Facebook that we lost it, for months and months after that I had people asking me where my bump was and had to relive the miscarriage over and over. I even had someone remember my due date and I hadn’t seen or talked to her since I told her I was pregnant, she looked all over for a baby and kept asking about it. With my second pregnancy, we only told close friends and family when we found out and then when I miscarried, I only had my immediate support. I promised my husband and made him promise that only our parents and siblings will know until we decide it’s right. In my mind, it’s humiliating to have to announce it to the world that your baby is gone. I feel like I would rather suffer in silence than be asked constantly. I grieve my babies everyday, I post about them on Facebook but for that first few weeks after, I just want to be left alone. I actually got mad at my sister for the first time in my life for not respecting my wishes to be left alone. She had her friends that had lost, message me.
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that twice. I share your feelings about wanting to grieve on my own and not wanting to share it with people who aren’t close to me. Thanks for sharing.
I completely agree! My husband and I told all of our friends and family right away our first pregnancy and then lost the baby at 8 weeks and having to tell everyone was almost as difficult as the loss itself. I personally would never tell anyone but my closest family until the second trimester again but everyone is different no one should begrudge anyone for how they feel about their own experience.
I agree. And I hope people get that I’m just saying it’s something you need to think about before spreading the happy news immediately. I’m sorry you had to experience that, though. It’s something nobody should have to go through, but unfortunately, is more common than people know.
My morning sickness has hit very early with so there was no hiding I was pregnant unless I wanted to let people think I had an endless tummy bug. With our one miscarriage, which was very early, we had only told our parents but we found out we were pregnant one day and had a loss the next.
Sometimes that does happen, and if you’re trying to keep it quiet, that stinks! I’m sorry you had to go through a miscarriage 🙁
I am sorry people leave rude comments, but I guess that many of them have never had to deal with having to tell people they lost a baby. My pregnancies are so hard and I lost a twin at 16 weeks, and was on bed rest for both pregnancies. I am right with you on not announcing things to anyone but family for a good while. I am not one who likes to have to re-tell over and over such a hard thing.
That’s how I would feel as well. One time is hard enough, I can’t imagine having to tell people over and over again.
My last pregnancy I waited to announce it on social media until I was 20 weeks and knew the gender. It was the best decision I’d ever made and I wished I’d waited that long with my others. I had complications all throughout and wanted to be sure that things were ok and well before I let everyone know. My first three pregnancies I announced it at around 12 weeks, which worked out just fine, but I’m a total believer in waiting a while to announce! I’ve had lots of scary complications and a miscarriage. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it a secret for a while.
I totally agree with you! At my first pregnancy i had only told my family, close friends and my co-workers! I wasnt sure about telljng my co-workers but i am glad i did because i ended up having my miscarriage at work.. i feel as if it would have been more devastating having to explain to them what was happening when it happened.. im glad they knew i was pregnant so as soon as they saw my face they knew what was wrong.. but i didnt say anything on facebook and im glad i didnt because if having to announce a miscarriage on facebook then seeing any comments would probably have made everything more difficult than it has to be….
I 100% agree with you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, too. It’s something nobody should have to go through but that so many women do. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Hi,
I know this article is from last year, but I totally agree that you should wait until the second trimester to tell the entire world. I am at the moment four months pregnant, and we are just now telling our friends. We told family when I was about nine weeks pregnant. I wanted to wait until the doctor said it was ok. I really wanted to wait until I reached five to tell friends, but the husband insisted we do it sooner.
Thanks! And congratulations!
I totally agree. Everyone does not need to know you are pregnant immediately you discover it. I think one should take sometime…yeah.
Thanks!
Hi Chelsea,
I recently had the awful experience of losing my baby. I started having complications at almost 11weeks. We then found out our baby didn’t make it past 6 1/2 weeks. My husband and I are completely devastated. This was our first child together and we were so excited! We made the huge mistake of telling everyone, instead of just close family. I feel so humiliated! I wholeheartedly agree with your advice. Having to tell everyone we lost our baby, added insult to injury. We have already decided that when we get pregnant again, we won’t make the same mistake.
I am so sorry! That’s awful. I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been. Thanks for your input! I hope it helps other moms.
I wish I had read this post first time I was pregnant. I was so thrilled I told anyone and everyone. I don’t actually have a social media website but word of mouth spreads fast. Everyone was super excited including myself and my husband. Unfortunately God had a different plan and we miscarried. Not only was the pain the worst pain of my life emotionally but every time I had to tell someone I miscarried (bad news like that doesn’t spread so fast by word of mouth) I had to relive the pain over and over again. Yes, I was thrilled to share the good news with everyone but the thing with bad news is only a few close friends and family truly know how to comfort you. Everyone else told me oh it’s okay you’re young you’ll have more. Clearly I’m well aware of that but it didn’t take away the heart ache it just seemed to make it worse. I compared their callous comments to the what if…. What if someone had their child kidnapped and I so callously said oh well that’s okay you have more kids at home. Yes many people can sympathize but only few really know what it feels like. To already dream a life for something inside of you and then lose that life and dream. We’re women we can’t help but get carried away even early on. I am happy to say I am pregnant again and while the little girl inside of me wants to scream with joy to everyone, the woman in me is waiting. I told only family. No friends. My faith, my husband and my family are the only support system I need. We are delighted to be pregnant and so grateful to be pregnant. Cherishing every second. Once I enter the second trimester and am mostly in the clear I can’t wait to share it with the rest of everyone.
I agree with you it is everyone’s choice but as for myself a year and a half later still having run into people that hadn’t heard the bad news. It’s a situation I wouldn’t put myself in so easily again. It’s a lot of salt in an open wound.
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope baby is healthy and everything goes perfect for you. Second, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to go through that but thank you for sharing so other women can read it and make the best decision for them.
I will say it depends on the woman. My first pregnancy my husband and I hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant and we miscarried. We then told our close family. For weeks I struggled with the loss and I felt so alone. Finally I decided to post it on Facebook and to me it was healing. I wasn’t hiding it and dealing with it on my own anymore I was actually mourning the loss of my child the same as I would do if it had been born. I decided that I would tell the next time in my own time(3months later we were pregnant again) we told family at different times with our 2nd and announced at 11 weeks we were pregnant for the 2nd time on Facebook. We are now pregnant for the 3rd time we told family right after we found out and I’m actually going to announce today at 11½ weeks on Facebook.
It definitely does depend on the woman. I think it’s different announcing you are pregnant and then miscarrying compared to miscarrying and then announcing. I think that is a better way to do it because it is on your terms and you can do it when you are ready. I am sorry you had to go through that! Thanks for sharing!
I think it’s weird that people care either way. I’m a fan of telling people when ever the heck you want. I had one pregnancy lead to miscarriage at 13 weeks but we told everyone we were pregnant at 6 weeks when we found out. It didn’t bother me to tell people that we were pregnant then later tell them i miscarried it’s a part of life, s**** happens! Was it sad yes but did my world end? NO! I moved on! Too bad this that one didn’t work out luckily my next one did. Personally having my friends and families support from 6-13 weeks when I was dying of morning sickness was worth telling them that I was pregnant! I would do it again and again!
Well everyone is different. It’s great that you were able to move on and that you felt supported by the people you told. But for some people, getting over it is a lot harder.
I totally get where you’re coming from with this article – I read it a few months ago when I first found out I was pregnant and agreed wholeheartedly. We waited until we were 12 weeks along before announcing to family and friends (not on social media, however). The excitement continued to build as we were able to hear our son’s heartbeat. We fluttered around our potential nursery and began to make plans for our home. I gave my notice for maternity leave at work. We started making jokes about grandparents with our parents.
We went in for our second appointment about a week after I had started stocking up on cute little onesies and baby items. The doctor asked the routine questions, and I responded that I had been feeling fine and everything seemed to be going smoothly. At the end of the appointment, I lay down and she began to search for the heartbeat. After four or five SLOW, SLOW minutes, she said Baby must have been hiding, but everything was probably fine. She would book an appointment for an ultrasound the next day and she was sure they would find a heartbeat then.
We went; they didn’t.
We were devastated. We drove around in our car for hours, sometimes sobbing, sometimes praying, sometimes texting those closest to us about the news. It was painful. Beyond painful.
We holed up in our house for the next few days. I was afraid to go out and risk running into someone who did not yet know. Our close friends brought meals, flowers and condolences. I let my parents spread the word to those they were connected to so I didn’t have to.
Eventually, the news spread enough that our church found out, and soon people I barely knew began bringing meals and flowers and cards. Often they would just drop them off and not say much… but there was definitely those that – for whatever reason – felt the need to give advice and say things, hurtful things. And that was SO HARD.
We waited for two weeks to give birth naturally. Finally, I went into the hospital and labour was induced. Our son was born, and whether it was the morphine or the hormones, I was deliriously overjoyed. For the very first time, I knew I was a mother. I knew that the tiny, 15-week-old baby that I held in my palm was my son. And I knew that I wanted everyone I ever knew or will know that I had a son and his name is Emerson.
Although I had never announced my pregnancy on Facebook, I announced his birth. I posted pictures of the handprints and footprints they gave us, and shared his name and his birthday. Because he is my child. And no matter whether he was born at 6 weeks or 15 weeks, he is my child and I am his mother.
So I am the other side of the coin to your argument. I’m not saying you’re wrong – I’m just giving the other side. YES, it is still incredibly painful to have strangers ask about my pregnancy in the grocery store. I regularly start crying as I tell the story of my son who we lost too soon. But in my situation, I feel that to not tell anyone about my next pregnancy and my next baby would deny my child their “existence” in the public world. I believe in life from conception, and the pain that I feel in remembering my son reminds me that I am his mother. And I know that being a mother is FULL of pain, but also OVERFLOWING with more joy than I have yet experienced in life. And I know that that pain and that joy begins from the moment my baby is conceived, and so my grieving will include sharing what I’ve experienced with others, so that a mother who has lost her child will not feel alone.
I want to love and support anyone who has had to go through such a terrible, gut-wrenching loss, and I strongly believe that silence breeds isolation. Yes, this is my opinion. No, you may not agree. But I am not ashamed that my baby died in my womb. It was NOT. MY. FAULT. and I will celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of EVERY. SINGLE. CHILD. that I am blessed to carry – no matter how long that may be.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but thank you so much for sharing your story. It will definitely help other women who are going through the same thing. You shouldn’t be ashamed, it was definitely not your fault, and you should absolutely celebrate all of your children.
I didn’t want to tell anyone until the second trimester during our first pregnancy but my husband wanted to tell everyone. We compromised and told family, parents and siblings, after our first ultrasound at nine weeks. His sister-in-law took it upon herself to post on FB that she was so excited that she was going to be an aunt. AND TAGGED US IN IT! I was furious and cried for an entire day because she took away from us being able to announce to friends and because we both work in the public sector and didn’t want the public to know as we are both very private people with our personal lives. Then the really bad part. A miscarriage. I called her and told her that she had two options. She could either post on FB that she had made a big mistake in telling everyone the news and that now she had to tell everyone that we did in fact lose the pregnancy and that we were asking everyone to please respect our privacy and not to contact us as we dealt with the lose as she was the only reason that we were having to publicly announce it. Wording was a little different but that was the basis. Other option, to never speak to either of us again. She at first refused to post it online until her husband told her that if she didn’t he would. We still received many condolences from people and mostly people that we really didn’t know. Nice sentiment but we really weren’t able to deal with the public right then. We had tried for 2 years and now lost a baby, we didn’t want condolences, we wanted to scream. To this day I hardly speak to her at family functions. I know that might sound petty but she took a lot from my husband and I and I have not been able to fully forgive her.
Yikes! That is an awful story! I am so sorry!!!
With my second baby, we didn’t tell anyone (including family) until 10 weeks when we told our 3.5 year old and family at Christmas. At 12 weeks, I announced it at work bc I felt they needed to know why I was deathly sick every day. That afternoon, I started cramping and bleeding. While I was concerned and worried about the baby, I was most upset about what we would tell our toddler, who had never experienced a loss before. Baby was fine, but there was a uterine tear. We were told the only guarantee was to make it to 25 weeks with a lot of monitoring. I didn’t announce on social media until 25 weeks because of that fear. I would have shared my miscarriage story if I had lost the pregnancy, but even talking about the waiting game with people who knew was stressful. I’m glad I didn’t have to explain it to extended friends repeatedly. We were blessed with a full-term baby girl almost 1 year ago!
Wow, thank you for your story! I am so glad you were blessed with a healthy baby! It’s so scary having to go through anything where your baby might be in danger. I’m glad you had a happy ending!
I completely agree and that’s what I did with both my pregnancies. We didn’t share the news until the end of the first trimester with my second and almost until the end of my second trimester with my first as I barely showed. Although, thankfully I have never suffered a miscarriage I would be devastated to have to be reminded constantly if everyone knew. Well I find myself 6 weeks pregnant now and I’m hoping I make it to the end of my first trimester before my belly announces itself to the world. Wish me luck ! 🙂
Congrats!!! And thanks for sharing your story!
For my very first pregnancy we only told immediately family and I am very thankful because it turned out I miscarried (apparently within the first few days, but my body continued on with the pregnancy so we didn’t find out until the 8 week ultrasound).
For me personally, it was extremely helpful not to be constantly reminded of our loss. I could go to work or see friends without sympathies. If I needed to cry, I had the family that did know.
A good way, I think, for women to determine who they should tell they are pregnant in that first trimester is to think about who they would want to know they miscarried. I’m much more of a private person so, including my husband, this is only 6 people. But for women who are more open this group would be larger.
Yes, that is a great point! I’m so sorry you had to go through that experience, but thank you for sharing!
I agree with you, Chelsea. With my first pregnancy I didn’t tell anyone but my husband and my boss (so she would understand if I needed to go home sick some days). I didn’t even tell my mom and sister, whom I’m extremely close to. I felt like they would take the news (if I miscarried) too hard and feel all stressed out for me. Then I would be too worried about their feelings instead of my own. I really hate getting a lot of attention or having people all worried about me. I did end up miscarrying and I’m really glad my husband and I were able to just deal with it in our own way without twenty questions from other people or having it be brought up over and over again.
Also, I know this sounds crazy to some people, but I knew the risks of early miscarriage well before getting pregnant. I made it a point not to get too attached or put all my hopes and dreams on the line. (I am very pro-life and feel every baby needs to be celebrated, but it is absolutely confusing me to me that some people think their baby won’t “matter” or “count” as much unless they tell fifty people about it. Isn’t it being loved and wanted by its parents good enough?) That made it much easier for me to grieve the loss on my own, knowing miscarriage was a very real possibility. Finally, I think if other people knew about my loss, I would worry that they would judge me if I didn’t grieve “long enough” or act sad all the time.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, K. I’m so sorry you had to go through that but I’m glad you were able to do it the way you were most comfortable.
So it’s been quite a while since you wrote this and I am currently expecting my fourth child but it’s my sixth pregnancy. But a little story from me, when I was pregnant the very first time, I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. It’s was horrible when people would ask how the pregnancy was going after I had lost the baby. I then went on to have a little boy. After that, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and had another 2 boys after that. So here I am, waiting. Waiting because I know those those raw feelings. I never deny I had them and openly talk about it with people when we are on the topic, but to be getting asked questions while you are grieving from well meaning people was not something I want to deal with. I have those close to us who know, and if anything happens they are my support group.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’m glad you had a small support group of people you trusted 🙂
I totally respect your opinion, and I feel the same. I think I take it to an extreme, though. With my first pregnancy, I lost my daughter at 39 weeks 1 day. Imagine…having to tell everyone that has watched this entire pregnancy unfold that you’re not bringing a baby home at the end/ To say it was awful is a total understatement. Second time around, we were very hush hush about everything. We did not have a baby shower until after she was born. We wanted to know that we would be bringing a baby home for sure this time. Third time around now, and I’m 10 weeks. No one knows except my husband and myself. I think I may just wait until I start showing and let people guess it themselves!
That is horrible, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Thank you for sharing your story and your insight! And congrats on this new baby!
I also agree with waiting. I told my family, but not my friends. And even then it was only immediate family, not extended family. I would never post it on social media until I had told everyone I needed to tell in person. And for simply this reason: It is far to easy for my employer to see what I post online. It is incredibly inappropriate for my employer to find out from an online post before I formally notify them. And I am NOT going to notify them until the chance of miscarriage is lower. Heck, I’d ideally wait to notify them until I was 4 months pregnant, if I wasn’t showing. I waited until I was 18 weeks with this baby (my first so if I was showing, it was easy to hide). It’s for simple reasons like being passed over for opportunities that I’d really like to be offered. I work for a good employer and yet I just found out I was passed over for a training course BECAUSE I was pregnant. I found out yesterday. FYI I’m 31 weeks. So even the “best” employers do crappy stuff. I don’t want to deal with that crap any longer than I have to. So the more private my pregnancies, the better.
That really sucks they discriminated against you for being pregnant. You’d think that in 2017 that wouldn’t be a problem. Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope delivery goes well for you!
Along with katie”s comment of telling people you want to in person. And finding an appropriate time to announce to u our employers (some discriminate just on the basis of knowing you are starting, or geowing, a family whether or not you lose your pregnancy).
It’s just that much more fun to do pregnancy announcements when you have a little bump showing for pics! Plus, it gives you something to look forward to when your best friends have been saltines and the edge of your toilet.
Please don’t take my comment as insensitive. We are on our 4th pregnancy with 1 child, so I know how painful are lost pregnancy is. But I find that as the perfect response to people asking me why we wait so long to announce, because I’d rather not deal with telling people about the ones we’ve lost, or “yeah, actually I am scared each and every time I’m pregnant, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?” Every person you know, and a he’ll of a lot that you don’t, has tons of advice and opinions about pregnancies. You’ll hear enough (most likely more) of them without that adding to the stress. It helps when you are past your personal worries, and usually feel better, in the 2nd trimester.
Thanks for your input, Amber! Congrats on your pregnancy!
I can see where you are coming from but after experiencing a miscarriage I now at 11 weeks I am glad that I did tell some people. I now realise its more about who can handle it than anything else. I am glad that people knew my baby existed but then this time I am 10 weeks and I have only told a very few the ones that knew how to handle the situation last time. and it was surprising who did and who couldn’t like my sister-in-law who messed up every conversation that she had with me for months with insensitive snide remarks.or my husbands parents who refused to acknowledge that it ever happened didn’t ask either myself or my husband once if we were ok.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It definitely depends on the person, but I think it’s something every pregnant woman should consider when she finds out she is pregnant, just in case.
As an expecting 2nd time momma, I totally agree with you! My choice is to wait until our 20 week mark just to make sure everything is alright. Also, the reason we decided to wait for the most part is we really didn’t want to hear all the comments. I had excessive fluid with my first which made my belly really big from very early on. I got SO many comments about how big i was from about 3 months on. With this one, I haven’t had the fluid issue yet, so it has been easy to hide, and quite frankly I have enjoyed having no one know. My husband has too! Plus, I am a teacher and wasn’t quite ready to tell my middle schoolers. Anyway, for me personally I say wait! However, everyone has their own way of doing things!
Thanks for sharing! And congrats on your second pregnancy!
I know this blog post is a bit older but I stumbled upon it. I could not agree more. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and I know personally if I had shouted it from the rooftops I would’ve been embarrassed and felt even worse if I had to again shout that my baby was dead. I wish I had told my mom sooner the first pregnancy because I called her crying after noticing blood and I was scared. I wish she could’ve enjoyed it some before that. I am now pregnant again and I’m choosing to wait until almost 17 weeks because that’s when I will feel comfortable. I have told some family members, not others; that was intentional. I plan to make a cute announcement on Valentines Day that will also (after much back and forth deliberation) honor my babies in heaven. I have been very open with my losses after the fact; sometimes months after when I’ve had time to gain some composure and I’m no longer crying in bed all day every day. I appreciate your opinion and have read like seven other blog posts since finding your site less than 30 min ago lol… thanks for posting
Thanks for sharing, Courtney. I’m so sorry for your losses. You should never be embarrassed by a miscarriage, because they really are so common. It’s definitely okay not to want to share them with people until you’re ready, though! I hope everything with this pregnancy goes perfectly! Congrats!
You know why I disagree? Because I have lost four babies, two after the ‘safe period’. There is no such thing as a ‘safe period’. And, honestly, I needed friends and family and coworkers and teachers are mg son’s school and everyone in my life to know. I am not ashamed of it. I am a mom of four Angels. And some of my mom moments from each were beautiful. And their births were special. And I have photos to share. And I needed people to know their names and be a little gentle with my husband and I needed to know that all of my women friends knew they could talk to me if it happened to their babies.
That’s totally fine that you disagree. I’m so sorry you lost so many sweet babies. Everyone is different and some people are okay grieving publicly. I personally would only want the people closest to me to know, at least until I was in a place where I was ready to share with everyone else. You absolutely should not be ashamed, and I am so glad that you have been able to make yourself available to any other friends if they go through the same thing. Thanks for sharing.
I know it has been a long time since the original post but I just found it. Anyway, me and my BF only told about our pregnancy to one friend quite immediately (there was just this moment and we felt like we had to share the news with someone). We did not tell the news to our parents before the 13th week and currently it is the 17th week. We have only told 5 other people (one of my grannies and then also to 4 friends) and have asked everyone to keep it a secret. I don’t know why… It feels better this way. I’m guessing I have about a month to hide it, my belly is slowly starting to grow… I feel like some people are already suspicious but let them be… They are going to find out eventually anyway 🙂 It would be awesome to be able to hide it up until the 30th week or so, but that sounds impossible…
The 30th week!? If you manage that I’d love to hear how you did it! Congrats, girl!!!
Sorry, not sorry, but I disagree. I lost my second baby at 19 weeks. I got a lot of support from family and friends, which helped me to cope easier. Yes, I’d bump into people in public and they’d ask me about my pregnancy and it was a bit awkward but miscarriages happen. 3 months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again and am now 11 weeks. I have shared with quite a few people, although, not on Facebook. We are ecstatic and want others to share in on our excitement. If I have another miscarriage it will be nice to have that support again rather than hiding it and grieving all on my own. I can’t tell you enough how nice it was to have that support. Sharing should be up to the couple, rather than what is considered “the norm” at 13 weeks. Just some thoughts from a momma who had a late term miscarriage and is hoping her rainbow baby survives this time around.
Thank you for sharing, Cat. I’m so sorry you lost a baby. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I appreciate you sharing your story so other people can make their own decisions about when to share their news!
Some of these comments are truly unbelievable. This is a personal decision and no one should feel some sort of societal obligation to share a miscarriage with the world. I am currently VERY early in my first pregnancy and the only people who know are my parents and two best friends, and I imagine it staying that way for a while. This is because I know myself and I know that if the pregnancy didn’t last, the idea of people feeling sorry for me and future pregnancies seeming “bittersweet” would make a tough time that much worse. Also, people often view miscarriages differently. My husband has a cousin who actually named her miscarriage and refers to herself as a mother of three rather than two. I’ve heard of people holding funerals for miscarriages. That just isn’t me and that kind of treatment from others would, again, make a tough time worse. The bottom line is your body = your news to share or not share. I’ve had many friends not even do pregnancy announcements on social media.
YUP! I am the same way you are, which is why I included this tip in my original post anyway. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with your pregnancy!
Completely agree. First pregnancy I announced at 12 weeks to family and at 20 weeks on social media. Now I am 21 weeks with second pregnancy, my family found out at 12 weeks just like before and I plan to announce on social media when baby is born. I just feel like a ton of people don’t really care or have my best interest at heart. And the few who do already know.
You definitely have to know yourself and those around you. I’m glad you are happy with the decision you’ve made! Thanks for sharing!
I totally agree my youngest got pregnant I was so happy I told everyone I talked to and it ended up being a tubal pregnancy my heart was broken and I had to go back and tell everyone I was not getting my much wanted grand babynow my oldest daughter is 16 weeks and we waited this time around I’m so very excited I’m getting a grand baby finally
Congratulations! I’m sorry you guys had to go through that, though!
I waited until 13 weeks before going public (immediate family and very close friends knew before that) only to lose my twins a week ago at 16 weeks and 4 days. I couldn’t really have waited much longer to tell work though as I would have been showing. If I ever manage to get pregnant again we will probably wait as long as possible to tell people. Everyone has been absolutely amazing though.
Oh Bev, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I’m glad that you have a good support system in place to help you heal!
Can’t agree more with this. I am an Orthodox Jew and we don’t share with anyone (you can tell your mom) until after the 3rd trimester and don’t share with everyone until we come into the fifth month. I unfortunately learned right away why this is also good for the mommy-to-be. I got pregnant on my wedding night and was so excited and shocked but had bleeding from the beginning and then miscarried at 8.5 weeks. It was a traumatic and exhausting time and we had just gotten a positive ultrasound the night before despite heavy bleeding so we were quite distraught. I can’t imagine how I would have coped if I had people who I am close to who don’t see me regularly asking “So how’s the pregnancy?” If I had had to tell each of them, “well actually we had a miscarriage.” I couldn’t stop crying, I was having such a hard and painful time. Because no one knew, I had the support of my family and of a few people in my community I chose to tell about the miscarriage but everything was on my terms. I could go out to spend time with friends and know if I didn’t want to think about it, no one would bring it up. IT was a precious privacy I had created for myself to grieve in my own way.
Look, everyone can do what they think is right in terms of ‘announcing.’ I just think it pays to exercise a little caution and think of how you like to celebrate (or G-d forbid the opposite) and if it makes sense to share yet.
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss! I hope your story helps others make an informed decision!
Good point on keeping it quiet, nobody has to know anything. And good reasoning too, its also a custom in Judaism to keep it quiet from the public till the fifth month for the same reason, as grateful pointed out.
https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/484409/jewish/Are-There-Jewish-Customs-for-Pregnancy-and-Birth.htm
Thanks for sharing! I had no idea!