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Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our Struggle with Infertility

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Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our struggle with infertility and why you should never give up hope

Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our struggle with infertility and why you should never give up hope

Many women grow up dreaming of becoming a mother. But nobody tells you how hard it is to make a baby. Before you get the wrong idea, I want to tell you that I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being pregnant. Making a baby is by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. This isn’t something I have shared with many people because it’s not really something you broadcast. I also don’t want you to think that I am complaining about how long it took us to get pregnant. Lots of people aren’t able to get pregnant due to physical reasons, and I am very blessed that in the end, I was blessed with a pregnancy. I just want to share so that if you are struggling with infertility and trying to make a baby, you won’t feel alone. I want to help others feel peace during one of the hardest things they may ever experience.

When the Mister and I got married, I had been on birth control for a few months. I took the pill for about a year before I stopped taking it and we started trying to get pregnant. I knew I wanted to be a mother, so I was attempting to get the Mister on board only a few months after we had gotten married. Having a baby is a big decision, and the timing is different for everyone. We prayed a lot and talked about it and really took it seriously. When we finally felt that we were ready to start our family, we started trying to get pregnant. It took us 15 months of trying, plus recording basal body temperatures, using ovulation predictors, fertility counseling, several doctor visits, tests for both the Mister and for me, a round of ovulation medication, and an IUI before I finally got pregnant.

Trying to get pregnant for us was physically demanding because of all the things we had to do, but it was mostly hard because how emotionally draining it was. I felt like each month I was on a roller coaster. I got so excited when I was ovulating and the hope that maybe this time it would happen. Then it would all come crashing down with a negative test and my period each month. Fifteen months we went through that. I don’t even know how much money we spent on pregnancy tests. We could have just waited to find out if I missed my period each month before testing, but anyone who has ever tried to get pregnant knows how eager you are to find out if you are going to be parents this time. I spent a lot of days and nights crying because it still wasn’t happening.

For the first two years we were married we lived in Provo, Utah, where we were both attending Brigham Young University. So for almost the entire time we were trying to get pregnant, we attended church in a married student ward where every other girl was getting pregnant and having a baby. I am not saying that it is bad that a lot of young LDS couples want to start families quickly. We did, too. It just makes it ten times harder when it seems like all of your friends are getting pregnant and you keep seeing negative pregnancy tests. And since infertility isn’t really a happy or accepted thing to talk about, you just suffer through it together with your husband while everyone else is being blessed with the one thing you want most in the world.

After several months of trying, you start to wonder what is wrong with you and what you might be doing wrong. You wonder if you will ever become parents and you start seriously thinking about expensive fertility treatments. It is really painful and it starts to consume you. You can’t think of anything else. But you just push through and try to keep hoping that your prayers will be answered.

And you know what? They will be. I guess the whole point of writing this is to remind people who are going through it that one day, you will become a parent. Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will become a mother or a father. If you aren’t struggling with infertility, this is to remind you that it is way more common than you think. Don’t ask people who have been married for a few years when they are going to have kids because while they might casually play it off, inside they are hurting and wish they could tell you.

One of the most important things that got the Mister and me through this hard time was to have faith in the Lord’s timing. He knows exactly what is best for us and when it will be best for us. The hardest thing for us is to have faith in Him. “For ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6). Sometimes it just takes longer than anticipated.

For some people, making a baby will be easy. It may even come as a surprise. They will have other trials in their lives that they will have to deal with. For me, making a baby was the hardest thing I have ever done. Remember that you are not alone. I have heard studies report one in ten couples struggle up to one in six couples. People just never talk about it so you never really know who around you might also be dealing with it. If you are one of the people trying to make a baby and you feel like you just keep failing, remember to never give up. Keep trying. And if after a year you still haven’t gotten pregnant, get help.

Because no matter how hard it is, how discouraged or emotionally drained you feel, I promise, it is all worth it.

Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our struggle with infertility and why you should never give up hope

Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our struggle with infertility and why you should never give up your dream of being a parent.

Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing your experience! It's good to know that conceiving is not always simple and wonderful for everyone, and that every couple has different trials. It's a great story of faith.

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  2. It's so true! It really is different for everyone, and it's hard because you don't hear about the struggles some people have trying to conceive. But you should never give up!

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  3. Wow! I am just reading your blog and realizing we have more in common! I assumed because you were so young that you probably had kids right away (sorry for that, I know after my experience, assuming is never the right thing to do) Anyhow, my husband and I tried three years before getting pregnant. We ended up using Chlomid and that worked for us. We thought after all those years that nothing would work, but we gave it one more try before getting serious about adoption (which would have meant moving back to the states from overseas, we work and live in Central Asia) Anyhow, I love it when people share about this struggle that is rarely talked about. I opened up about mine about six months before we got pregnant. God really has done amazing things in our life since then! Bless you and your family! I will definitely be visiting your blog for tips on caring for my little one 🙂

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  4. Thanks, Katina! I think that people should be more open about it, too. You never know what people are going through. One of the worst things to ask someone is why they haven't had kids yet, because maybe they are trying and just haven't been able to yet! I'm glad you were blessed with a pregnancy!!!

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  5. thanks for this article. This article is very nice and informative. It is very essential article for me. I am pregnant in 14 weeks. This is my first time. After reading this post, I gain some knowledge's. Thank you again.

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  7. I can't say thank you enough for writing this. I don't know why there has to be so much secrecy and shame surrounding infertility, but there is. My husband and I are on our 15th cycle of trying and our still praying for our little miracle to come! It is so unbelievably hard to see friends and family getting pregnant all around me, some even with their second, third or fourth child already. Even harder is seeing couples get pregnant who weren't trying or ready…

    I think the hardest thing is having friends and family constantly ask "are you pregnant yet?" I swear it happens all the time and it is getting harder and harder to smile and make up some reason as to why we aren't when that is all we really want. I wish I could tell them but I don't know what to say… And then I feel bad because I know there are other couples out there who have been trying for so much longer or who have had worse heartbreak.

    It is tough, but I know we will make it through and be blessed with a little one someday. So thank you again, for your beautiful words.

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  8. I completely understand what you are talking about. People should never ask others if they are pregnant yet. And it took us 15 tries so hopefully things work out for you soon!!

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  9. It's hard to have faith the older you get, it seems. Did you seek fertility help? I ended up conceiving my 1st using conceiveeasy – after over a year of trying on my own. Was even considering ivf at one point! It's just so frustrating and scary. Starting to try for #2. I feel like I am crazy for putting myself through this again.. but I love my Nadia so much and want her to have a sibling. Thanks for your encouragement.

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  10. We used an IUI, Clomid, and progesterone to finally get pregnant with Little J. The good news is that once your body has gone through pregnancy once, it may be easier to get pregnant again. And just knowing that you can get pregnant gives you a lot of hope when you start tying for your second. We actually got pregnant with Little A right away. I hope it works that way for you guys!

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  11. Thank you so much for this! I cried reading it because my hubby and I are in the process of trying to get pregnant with the help of our wonderful doctors. As of right now we are the beginning stages the unknowns of this process are the worst. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement and giving me even more strength that one day I WILL be a mother no matter what.
    God Bless you and thanks again!

    Reply

  12. You are so welcome! You can't ever give up hope. It's the hardest thing when the Lord's timing isn't ours, but we just have to have faith and never give up. Because when it finally happens, it will be the greatest!! Good luck 🙂

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  14. I hope you do too! Don't give up 🙂 It will happen eventually. And when it does, you will look back and see that it happened exactly when it was supposed to!

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  20. This post is very mice. I want to help others feel peace during one of the hardest things they may ever experience. Thank you so much for sharing this post.

    Reply

  21. I came across your blog when I was looking for encouragement:) my husband and I have been trying for 1.5 years. I feel the same emotional roller coaster. We finally went to the fertility Dr yesterday and now we are left with the decision to make of choosing IUI or IVF. Is there any advice you could provide to help making the decision a little easier?? Thank you so much for sharing your story:) this shows me that we are not alone.

    Reply

  22. You're welcome! I am so glad that I could help. Remember that IUI is a lot cheaper, and I don't know if your doctor said this but when we were trying to get pregnant our doctor recommended a few rounds of IUI before trying IVF. I think IUI is a good first option if you haven't tried anything before, but I'm not a doctor so maybe it's different for everyone. Whatever you choose, I hope it works! The road to having a baby can be hard, but it is so worth it in the end!

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  23. Thanks for sharing this. I think people should talk more openly about this, but I guess it's not easy, specially when you have people around saying "we just tried and got pregnant the first month!" and stuff like this, and you feeling terrible as if there was something wrong with you. And I fully agree… the worst WORST part is have people asking "so when are you going to have a baby then??". Shut up and mind your own business!! Worst thing was when a friend of us told my husband after that question and my husband answering with vague a "yeah… we'll see, we have to find the right time, etc" and she screams "well you should hurry! you are not getting any younger, you know?". Because more pressure is exactly what you need…

    Anyway, after trying for 1 year we scheduled a visit with a fertility dr (scheduled for 2 months later), and guess what happened while we waited for it? 🙂 Nothing like forgetting about it and letting it on other people's hands to relax and have it happening. I know it's easy to say and impossible to do… but we can really be sabotaging ourselves without knowing it :/

    Reply

  24. Agreed! It really needs to be something people talk about more openly so that situations like "you should hurry" do not happen. That's awesome that you were able to get pregnant on your own! It's crazy how sometimes just relaxing or making a change in your life can affect that. But yes, it is so hard to do!

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  25. I feel like I just read my story through you! (And bawled my eyes out) We still aren't parents, but it is so comforting to know there is someone else out there who has felt what I am feeling and had the same thoughts I have had.

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  26. There are so many people who are going through this! Just read all of the comments! You are definitely not alone in this. I hope it happens soon for you!

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  27. Just came across your post. Thanks for sharing. This is a difficult time and I am figuring out more and more that I am in fact not alone. We are on 2 years…and still trying. Thanks for the positive vibes!! I will continue to do that…keep trying!

    Reply

  29. Thank you for writing and sharing this! Our experience was very similar to this it took us 15 months and it was exactly a roller coaster. It was sad and looking back its the hardest thing I've ever done. We are expecting our first miracle baby after months and months of trying and taking ovulation meds! I found such peace in this article knowing I'm not alone. Sunday's were the hardest days being in a married ward while my husband is in college. Keep writing I love your blog.

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  30. You are definitely not alone! Sundays were always the hardest for me too, especially those Sundays right after getting my period again. I'm so glad that you are expecting your first baby! Congratulations! I hope everything goes perfectly, and thank you so much!

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  31. I have been married 5 years and we have been trying to concieve since then and have been unsuccessful… I just had my 2nd iui and I woke up today to my period! The day before I was supposed to find out if I was pregnant or not. This is the hardest most stressful situation ever! Someday so just feel like giving up because it's so hard to get let down ever month but then I say to myself how can I give up on something I want more then anything in the entire world! I feel so incomplete….

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  32. I'm so sorry! That is so hard. I can't imagine going through that for five years. It really is the hardest thing because even though you are doing all you can it doesn't work and you feel so helpless. Just know that you are not alone. There are so many people going through this exact same thing. Don't give up 🙂

    Reply

    • I’m so glad I could help! You definitely are not alone, and you should never feel like you are! Good luck on your journey 🙂

      Reply

  36. Thank you, finding this page has been a blessing. I feel so isolated with having only my husband to talk to. Most people don’t like talking about this. And so many friends keep getting pregnant. We were blessed with a son who’s almost 5 now and waited over 4 yrs to try again. I’m so afraid we waited too long. It’s been 8 months, but we’ve started testing since I’m almost 35. Found out I’m at the lower end for my ovarian reserve and my hubby has issues, too. Every month is like a roller coaster and I get so angry with myself for being an emotional basketcase. I just want to be a good mom to my son so I try not to let it consume me, but its heartbreaking. If we don’t succeed this month I have to have the HCG test and an IUI. We have a high deductible insurance plan so have been paying for everything. I know couples have tried for a lot longer than us, but it’s the not knowing if it will ever happen again that is tearing me up. I’ve started to tell family a little because I can’t take the “You need to have another one now” comments.

    Reply

    • I know exactly what you mean. It’s not something people really talk about. Even when we were going through it, I didn’t feel like I could talk to any of my friends about it. You should definitely let your family know what you are going through. People who haven’t experienced it don’t know they can’t say things like that. I’m so sorry you have to experience it. Good luck, and I hope it happens again for you!

      Reply

  37. Thank you for sharing. Having a baby was the hardest thing in my life too. But worth it for eternity! I just wish it was easier ;).

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  39. I can’t thank you enough for writing this post. Every single word spoke to me as I cried my way through the article. I am only 24, but my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. We are on our 12th cycle of clomid and still nothing. My doctor finally decided IUI was our route to go after testing my husband. This month I still have not ovulated, even with Clomid. In all the time we have been trying, this has been the hardest month.

    I have read hundreds and hundreds of articles, but this one speaks to me the most. Thank you for not giving up hope and thank you for getting me through another night <3

    Reply

    • Hannah, I am so sorry! I would never wish that upon anybody. It is so hard, but I promise you aren’t alone. I am glad I was able to help. If you ever need someone to talk to, you are welcome to send me an email!

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  40. Oh friend, I just saw this through a pin! I have walked in these shoes. Took us 4 years, 5 IVfs, and a whole lot of prayers to bring our Sam into the world. It was the longest, most exhausted, but most worth while experience of my life. It is simply indescribable. The going thought is that Sam rest my hormone issues because less than a year later I was surprise pregnant with Kate. Still a miracle in her own right because my husband was 1/2 the fertility problem too (when it rains it pours!). So much love to you! This is so beautifully written!

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  41. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and 2 months but we have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years this month and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not very regular so missing my monthly isn’t something that makes me think maybe I am pregnant. It is hard knowing that I may not have a child now or ever. Reading this made me feel better though. My husband is very supportive of me and makes me feel happy and every time I cry he is always there but he doesn’t understand the hurt I feel inside. I only just found your page tonight on pinterest and I have to say that you are a blessing.

    Reply

    • I’m so sorry, Kaitlyn. It helps a lot to have a supportive husband, and I’m glad that you have him by your side. Remembering that you are both in it together definitely helps get you through it. I am glad I was able to help bring some comfort to you, and I hope that things change for you soon 🙂

      Reply

  42. I am married for 4 years and we are trying to get pregnant for 4 years, we already had our 1st IVF and it was a failure. My doctor collected 15 eggs, 3 were okay but after 3 months of waiting it’s negative. It was really devastating but thanks that my husband is always thinking positive. Now we are planning to try it again, thanks for this post somehow I can feel that this time it will be a successful one!

    Reply

    • I’m so sorry, Monica. It’s the worst. I hope that you can stay positive and have success soon! Good luck!

      Reply

  43. Hey, great share….

    Thanks for sharing your heartwarming story. I can understand what a woman goes through because of infertility. I also went through same phase.We were devastated when we found out our only chance for success was through IVF. We did a total of 6 cycles before achieving our family. We now have a 4 year old daughter.

    I happy for you as well. Eventually you got your little baby after going through all the hardships.

    God bless you and your baby!!

    Reply

  44. I’m very lucky to bump into one of your great posts. I have learned so much from it and will be sure to share it. Looking forward to your next post. Keep on making these kinds of awesome posts.

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  45. It’s unfortunate that your experience was so emotionally draining. Your ending quote definitely puts a positive spin on this whole ordeal.

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  46. Thank you for this. While reading this is felt like I wrote it. My husband and I have been trying for 7months now, we thought we were successful until we found out it was just a blieted ovum and we had to go through the process of miscarriage. But we promised each other we would not give up. I just worry because I will be 32 next month!!

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  49. One of the hardest things someone ever said to me was, “Well, it’s fun trying!” No, mo it’s not fun trying when every month you are not pregnant! It is so hard. Miscarriage after miscarriage, and month after month of nothing. No, trying isn’t fun when all you want is a baby and you don’t get one. However, the glorious gift of a child is worth it all! We only have 1 miracle baby, and it hurts each time someone asks, “Is she your only?” Or “Why don’t you have more kids?” These comments aren’t meant to hurt, but they cut deep. Just don’t ask, unless you know their struggles, and then just offer encouragement.

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  50. 15months is not considered infertility. 12 months is considered entirely normal for even a perfectly healthy couple. I only wish it had taken 3 months beyond “normal” to conceive.
    Hundreds of thousands of dollars and 6yrs. Still no baby.

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  51. I’m so thankful I saw this post today from Pinterest. My husband and I have been struggling for almost a year so far with my diagnosis of PCOS and infertility. Starting on clomid next cycle. So many emotional days. Trying to be hopeful through it all, so I really appreciate when you said ‘whether it happens through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a parent someday’. So true. God has the ultimate plan. And it will be worth it. Thank you for the encouragement.

    Reply

    • I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. It’s so, so hard. We have friends who had a diagnosis of PCOS and after a few years and IVF, they now have two beautiful twins! Whatever happens, it will work out! Just have faith!

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  52. This is the best thing I have ever read!! My husband & I have been trying for a little over 2 years and have had no luck. All our friends & some family are becoming pregnant that it is so emotionally draining for us. This post made me feel we were not alone! Prayers one day we will be able to make this dream a reality❤️

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  53. I cannot thank you enough for writing this, and then publishing it. How difficult that must have been, to relive each moment and then to share with the world. My husband and I are on that same roller coaster right now and to be honest, I feel like I’m overreacting each month when the negative test shows and the tears flow. Or when we are around my family, whom I love with every ounce of my being, and all of my cousins have children and many are currently pregnant again. I left Christmas Day early, sobbing, because my cousin said “Just be thankful to be able to sit still” when one of the kids didn’t want help from me. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be exhausted and chasing after a little. I know she meant no harm by the comment but boy, oh boy, did it ever hit me hard. I know we are not the only married couple dealing with infertility but I have felt so incredibly alone until now. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. God Bless.

    Reply

    • I’m so, so sorry, Megan! It is such a hard thing to go through, and people really don’t understand it unless they’ve gone through it themselves. I hope that things turn around for you soon, and you’re welcome! You definitely aren’t alone!!

      Reply

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